He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize