I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
