My friends, they love my intelligence
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2