cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
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You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
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YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?