operation harelip BJ is a go
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
