I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I met the friendliest cop last night
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
