Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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