I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
