also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
