Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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