I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
