I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
