And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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