She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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