he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
