don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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