My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
