I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
