wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
