he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
