I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
