Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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