I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
