Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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