I think I died a long time ago.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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