her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
