so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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