he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
