Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
splinters make it hard to masturbate
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
