I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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