i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
