He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
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I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
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Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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