He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
