This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
