Cold hands, warm shart.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
