I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
