carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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