Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
