I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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