My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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