I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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