so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
