i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
