So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
