one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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