Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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