The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
