I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
