you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
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u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
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It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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