Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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