You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
