and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
