I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
