We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
