Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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