just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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