She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Bring me that man meat
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