Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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