Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I forgot how hot balto sounded
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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